Derby Seaglass Hunting

Not collecting, we're hunting.

The Game
DSH is a game for clever, aggressive seaglass hunters. A game of skill with challenging levels of legal blocks and hits, gropes, and simple manipulations which will misguide an opponent. The victor has the most envious piece or pieces of seaglass at the end of the beach walk.

Rules
Whichever player first touches and effectively recovers seaglass retains the seaglass piece also known as a chunk -- end of play.  The player who touches the chunk first has priority and may not be further hit or blocked.

Hits and Blocks
Players may block using shoulder and hip blocks to prevent an opponent from advancing by knocking them off balance before they can touch or secure a seaglass piece. For example, if an opponent is bending over to pick up a chunk, the opponent may hip check and unbalance the player in order to first touch and effectively collect the chunk.  Hip and shoulder blocks are  in accordance with women’s flat track derby rules and there is no tripping, no back blocking, no fists, no elbows, nothing above the neck, and hands may only be used to inappropriately fondle an opponent in order to off-set the balance of the opponent.

Groping
Players are allowed to mildly grope an opponent's genitals. Not tug, pull, pinch, or rip, but a simple goose used to throw the opponent off-guard as is the typical goal in all derby.

Penalties
Vagina blocks, dick blocks, or butt blocks in the face of the opponent are fine as long as player does not step on the feet or sit on the head of the opponent. A player may not wrestle a chunk from another, particularly if a player has claimed the chunk by touching it first. These instances would result in a penalty. Players may not use hands to block an opponent, particularly after first touch has occurred. If this happens a throw back must be performed; the chunk must immediately be thrown into the sea where neither can retrieve it for the duration of the beach walk. If the penalized player refuses to return the chunk then the wronged player curses that the opponent will walk unseeingly past two seaglass chunks. Cephalopods may be invoked.

Winning
After the beach walk the player who recovers the most magical piece of seaglass ends play and  the holder is named the winner of the beachwalk.

Tips from Advanced Players

"Other things newbies are tempted to do, lunge towards sea lettuce, seagull poop and shiny pieces of shell."
-Cleaver Beaver
                                                      

"Saw it first is a large part of derby seaglass strategy as is knowing when to employ hits and blocks."-Ann Putae
                                             

"Find one piece, look around in the same spot for another. The size of the seaglass is usually equal to the size of the rocks or shell pieces lying nearby its founding place." -Tina Casseroll
                                       

Places to Search
Rivermouth specials, point break cul de sac tide pools. bonfires, beach access points or stairs. This is where you will find a lot, because of lazy ass picnicers and beer drinkers.

Seaglass Release
A responsible seaglass hunter will not bring home a chunk with a sharp edge or one that may need more cuddles from the sea. Oftentimes, seaglass will nick or break and have to be released back into the sea. Also, once away from the ocean and in comparison to choice pieces some chunks clearly need to be returned for more ocean lovin’.

Commentary from semi-professional seaglass derby hunter
and beachwalk player, Surf Slut, #H20
 “It’s one thing to be competitive with oneself, but to drag others into the game, to introduce them to the greedy and aggressive sea monster that the shiny ocean licked gems create. The beginner seaglass hunter can only see large pieces and only when they are directly below their eye vision line, however a seasoned seaglass hunter can see them from far away and in addition, can sense SGR (SeaGlass Recognition) just as it cusps upon an opponent's face. And thus have the opportunity--before the opponent has even begun to bend to reach for the chunk--to block that movement and essentially take them out at the same time as acquiring the chunk. An easy hip check or crotch goose will quickly unbalance the opponent and it will be simple to follow that momentum with a scoop up. The aggression is one thing, but the victorious sense of satisfaction as you take that sandy beer bottle chunk away from an opponent is quite another. But it’s the big finds, like winning once on the slots, you keep going back wanting that big score every time. It's knowing the best places to go, the best times, financing trips to the most populated beaches. It‘s definitely a lifestyle.”

This sport is currently banned in Florida on public beaches.